I haven’t picked up my camera for over 3 weeks. It’s that long since I lost my father.
Sure he was 95 and had advanced dementia, I feel myself wanting to whisper.
But this wasn’t the man he was - and now I want to scream it to the world!
I miss my Dad - I miss his wisdom - he seemed to know everything in my world. I miss his natural positivity and overwhelming joy and gratitude for the simple things in his life. I think mostly I have inherited his thinking but today as I write this I’m not sure - I can hear him say, 'think good thoughts daughter'.
I thought I had grieved these past 5 years that he was in aged care, as I watched his health decline over the past few years I thought it would be an easy road to saying good-bye to his ‘being and presence’ in my life - but nothing was going to prepare me for this emptiness in my heart now that he’s physically gone.
Watching him take his last breath was a screaming reality of how life leaves the body and the gift of the breath of life goes back to our creator. I laid my hand on his chest as he was breathing his last and told him ‘it would be ok for him to go now - I will see you in one more sleep Dad’.
Over 3 weeks on and I am still weeping for his loss.
There's what would normally be exciting new beginnings in my life, a new country place in the beautiful Macedon Ranges and God-given healthy twin great-nephews but even these joyful events won’t fill the hole in my heart right now - it’s as if I’m not allowed the joy - grief won't let me. I need to feel the guilt of all this joy before giving myself permission to move forward in this grief and say 'good-bye Dad - I'll always miss you.'